Today I was looking through a pile of post that I had been saving for a rainy day.

In and among the red letters and offers of sofas at bargain knock down prices – which means that they still cost more money than a space shuttle – I discovered a leaflet offering me: COLONIC HYDROTHERAPY FOR £10.99. Now call me old fashioned but if I wanted to swill my colon out I’d squat on a garden sprinkler, probably in Kew Gardens and smoke a pipe while doing it. However I have rarely thought to myself “Martin what you really need is a good swill out like a beer pump.”

Then I read on: ‘Why should I use a colon cleanser to cleanse my colon?’ at this point I turned pale and fell limply onto the sofa. Nobody told me this you see. I’ve gone 33 years not knowing that I should be using a colon cleanser. Where do you get it? Do they do it in big family size bottles? Should I be sticking it up my cat? So many questions invaded my previously untroubled consciousness. Intrigued I read even further:

‘Our modern lifestyle and daily eating habits, include over-processed and refined foods, chemical additives, lack of beneficial bacteria in our foods, chemical farming, chlorinated water, pesticides and herbicides… Which collectively can contribute to the build-up of mucoid plaque in the colon.

This plaque adheres to the walls of your colon, to create a warm, moist and putrefied environment… A perfect breeding ground for unfriendly bacteria, Candida (yeast) and parasites. The number of victims of digestive disorders in America alone, is estimated to be over 63 million!’

I have plaque up my arse! I didn’t know! Why are so many American’s afflicted? Could it be the weather?

Anyway I’m just heading off to get a hosepipe and some colon cleanser. Wonder if Flash bathroom will work


Watery Bowel
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