Do you hate football but find yourself in a pub where violent men are watching football? Then you need something to shout at the television.

Here are some things to shout at the television:


  • Arsenal! Death knell, more like.
  • Do the kick!
  • Touch him!
  • He’s got fresh legs!
  • Rustle it!
  • Smell it!
  • Burst it!
  • That was definitely off!
  • Dance it in!
  • That was so chewy!
  • Manchester United! Death knell, more like.
  • Cruel him!
  • Pump it! Pump it!
  • His legs are stale!
  • Nice one referee!
  • Pull him off!
  • It needs a horse!
  • Thump it out!
  • He has an invisible staircase!
  • Who’s the bandstand in the dark!
  • Crackly!
  • That was out of chips!
  • His legs are mouldy!
  • Red carp!
  • Push it into the other man!


Thank you.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

2 thoughts on “Footballery

  • Thank God! At last I have something to replace, “Work that grassy catwalk like RuPaul on crystal meth, GIrl!”

  • Andy Wilson

    I find that shouting the words to the hokey-cokey, one line every couple of minutes, works a treat too.


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