La le la!

Hello people or person – I don’t want to get above myself.

Time for an epic blog today as I’ve been neglecting you all – or you that one person – terribly.

A couple of Sunday’s I ago I went to An Audience with Colin Baker at the Fab Cafe n Leeds. It was a fantastic day; however I forgot that I should have remained sober to enjoy the occasion and instead got terribly drunk on premium strength lager. Well I don’t usually drink lager; I’m a real ale bloke. This wouldn’t have been too much of a problem if I hadn’t laughed louder than anybody else at Mr Baker’s jokes and then giggled inanely at the queue of people getting things signed.

However as I said, it was a cracking day and I got to shake the great man’s hand at the end, although he did look a tad frightened as I lurched drunkenly towards him and grabbed his mitt. But it must happen to him all the time.

After the event, the remaining fans and interviewer, Chris Hoyle, descended into Leeds and continued drinking. By this time I was more drunk than I’ve ever been, and I’ve been pretty bloody drunk I can tell you. I don’t really remember what happened next but in due course I was on the train back home.

Now this is when the embarrassing thing happened. Perhaps it was a pathological desire to be the centre of attention or just that my entire forebrain had been put to sleep by Carlsberg Export. However I stood up on the train and attempted an impromptu gig. It didn’t go well. I started by saying “blearagh de frargh tulphark blear.” Not my best material I must say but then I couldn’t remember any of my material so continued, “drear freadert mlange plart.” Sadly I then spotted that the entire carriage was looking blankly at me, and one woman pityingly, so sat down and sank as far down in my seat as I could, without my arse actually rubbing on the track. My chum next to me said “that was very brave.”

The next day I woke up with a mild but not unpleasant hangover, made some toast and a cup of tea and sat down in front of my computer to write some stuff, this went well. Then I phoned up a pal to say hello. During this conversation I made a yelping noise, not dissimilar to a dog when you accidental stand on its tail. I had remembered THE TRAIN; it took three days and an industrial spreading tool to unclench my buttocks.

I can laugh about it now, unlike the poor people on the train.

Besides that, things have been OK. Well I did have all my money stolen from my bank account by thieves. So I spent a great deal of time shouting at fools down the telephone. Something I never do as I’m always nice but sometime the incompetence goes so far that I turn into a very irritable middle class old man saying things like ‘this really isn’t on’ or “can I speak to your manager.”

To cheer myself up I rang my mobile phone company to upgrade my phone. I got quite excited when they said they had the model of phone James Bond used in the last phone so ordered it. Which is why I have to stay in all day waiting for it to be delivered. Never mind, there are always woodlice to eat.


Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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