Cuisson de la banque

Jonathan Swift once suggested, in an essay, that the Irish poor should feed their babies to the rich for money. This of course was a satirical work by a master of the form. Swift was one of the most outspoken critics of British rule in Ireland during the mid 18th century and the essay was intended to reflect the attitudes of the ruling classes to the plight of poor Irish farmers.

What I propose today – in a  far less satirical and more sledgehammer manner – is that we feed Bankers to the poor or anybody else who happens to be coming to dinner.

There are many benefits to choosing Banker in preference to the meat of other livestock. Firstly Bankers have no emotions and are impervious to pain due to their thick layers of fat. They are ready marinated in fine wines and delicious sauces and are even suitable for vegetarians; there are few who would have any quarms with the consumption of their meat.

If you are considering serving Banker to your family and friends: here is a delicious and simple to prepare recipe.

Banker Stew.

So you’ve taken the plunge and collected your banker from the dealer. How do you prepare him?  Well here is a quick guide to cooking a financier. For this recipe you’ll need sixteen stone of merchant banker. If merchant banker is too expensive then you can get away with a mortgage adviser; however you will need to add a stone of lard,

Other ingredients required are:

A block and tackle.

27 Lbs  onions.

111 Lbs  potatoes.

100 Wt baby carrots.

0.5 stone tomatoes.

6 Pnts FSA Stock (pork OXO is a good alternative)

Firstly take your banker, remove its suit and rinse under a temperate shower until the fingers are wrinkly.

Fill a large pot (around six foot high and four foot wide) with water..

Place the pot on a high heat.  

Now chop the vegetables and liquidise the tomatoes.

When the pot is boiling attach the banker to the block and tackle. You may need to experiment with the best way of doing this. I often find a noose around the neck suffices. However if it is particularly large, then it may be advisable to rope it under the arms. Remember there is nothing more unappetising than a headless Banker.

Now lower it into the pot. There may be some noise but don’t worry it can’t feel a thing. The shrieks are simply caused by air escaping the body. Many people prefer to keep them on a business lunch before cooking as they are more docile and less likely to make a sound.

Now add the vegetables and stock.

Reduce the heat and simmer for thirty minutes per stone.

Serve with an apple in the mouth and a parsley garnish.

Bon Appetite.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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