The Amateur Drunksman


They’re back!

Steel yourself and put on your best vomit proof shoes because now is the age of the amateur drinker.

As I write this, they are dragging themselves from their tea-total existences, pouring a large sherry and are about to go out on the town and drink more booze than they have all year. Then they will crouch in the street crying or pissing and in some cases shitting, before getting their second wind and spoiling everybody’s evening by being loud and obnoxious and starting a fight with a hat stand.

If you are one of those people, then put the sherry bottle down and have a nice cup of tea. Leave drinking to people who know what they’re doing. People who have perfected their technique over the years and know when to stop, when to eat and when to start again. People like me in fact.

The best way to gauge your drinking ability is to drink an entire bottle of strong red wine by yourself. If you wake up the following morning with no adverse effects then you can proceed to the next stage.. However if you wake up and your face and head feels like Ant and Dec have fed you insects through their collective hive like anus, then it’s time to pour yourself a small Babysham and settle down for The Queen’s speech.

It’s not that I’m condoning heavy drinking but I am condoning heavy drinking.

If you require further information about drinking heavily then speak to your GP. In my experience they can drink most people under the table and can give you some handy tips.


Yes for the last week or so the country has been gripped by snow-joy. The world has become a Christmas card, at the time of year when it is fashionable to be such a thing. Children are throwing snowballs at old people and laughing as their aged bones shatter to dust. It truly is a lovely thing.

However not everyone is enjoying the whiteout; in fact some people actually dislike snow. The other day a lady told me that she was surprised by the snow and really didn’t like it: this was five minutes after she’d handed me a Christmas card with a snowman on the front and the words ‘let it snow’. Surely nobody should be surprised by snow in December! It’s on every card, window display and booze leaflet. You can’t move for snow flakes, singing snowmen and fake snow flying out of a stripper’s snatch.

It has at least confounded those people who have a rather simplistic view of global warming. They are scratching their heads and wondering why snow is falling at all, surely it should be too warm for snow? They are fools of course and we can all laugh at their bemused idiot faces and hand them a book about weather.

I’m having a nice bit of stew for tea.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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