Beard Today…

OK, yes, you got me.

When I asked you to vote for me to keep or lose the beard I fully expected a unanimous call to shave it off. In fact I was counting on it.

So what do you lot do? You vote for me to keep it!

Well thanks a lot, I will never have sex again! Nobody wants to kiss a man with a beard, nobody. In fact people will cut their own lips off rather than lay them upon my hairy gob.  Eventually I will resort to being bummed by redneck American’s, who will ask me to squeal, while deformed children play the banjo.

So here is my look for the foreseeable future, I hope you approve:

Some people gave reasons why I should keep the beard and I include them here for your edification:

Keep the beard, you are a frightening man so you may as well wear the uniform.


I say keep it. You look ever so slightly like a manly lesbian without it or Tim Key.
I can’t decide which.




You’re hideous without the beard. Keep the damned thing on!!


Keep it, or I’ll punch your chin off.


Before I go, let me make a confession: I didn’t actually mind being called a beardy one, in Andrew Collins’ blog. In fact I was utterly delighted to have even got a mention. It was just an excuse to run a random beard poll. So I would like to thank Andrew for being so nice about it. You are a a true gentleman sir.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

One thought on “Beard Today…

  • “Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. You don’t mind going through a little bush to get there!” Minnie Pearl

    Of course, Martin, if you take a look at a picture of the late Minnie Pearl, you might find she has, or is near to, a banjo.

    I can only suggest you stay well clear of the American Bible Belt, and that you never whistle “Dixie” in the dark.

    One day I discovered my beard was more grey than brown. Federico Garcia Lorca saw butterflies in Walt Whitman’s white beard. Mine … moths. I kept the moustache, shaved the beard.

    Hoping you’ll keep the long hair (don’t go all Frankie Boyle) as you may have much to make of the beardy business.



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