Behind the Times


Proper short blog time.

Those of you who’ve met me or not at all, know that my plans don’t always come together. Quite often they wander away and start a cult before being shot by government agents.

This is what happened last November.

At least I think that’s what happened last November. The trouble is I don’t remember last November because at the end of that month a horrid virus found its way into my brain and broke bits off it. Even now my memory is…where was I?

This resulted in a stay in hospital, where they pumped me full of drugs for two weeks. Which makes me like Ozzie Osborn I suppose. That’s right I’m a rock star. A stupid, musically inept rock star. Just like Justin Bieber. Yeh, take that kids, I know your patois.

The frustrating thing was, the doctors kept changing their minds about what wrong with me. This played merry hell with my Twitter narrative. One minute it was a stroke, the next a tumour andfinally I’d got AIDS.  However my not having had sex for seven years put pay to that theory. In the end it was just a nasty virus that caused a brain abscess which made me hiccup, get double vision, forget how to walk and on one strange afternoon, speak in tongues.

During this period, the world took on a slightly surreal edge. One afternoon Tom and Andy turned up with comedian Andrew J Lederer who proceeded to cheer me up. However I’d forgotten that Andrew was visiting us, so his arrival made me think that I was still in Edinburgh.  Then the man in the next bed began asking the nurse if the curtains surrounding him were “metal or material,”before grabbing her breasts. He sounded disturbingly like Count Arthur Strong, so I didn’t know if I was listening to the radio or going mad. Then he shat himself. I was going mad.

One afternoon I was laying on my bed, attempting unsuccessfully to focus on the people visiting the man opposite. They were a middle aged couple and the woman was wearing a very strange dress with huge shoulder pads. “Jesus, she looks like a fucking Transformer,” I thought to myself. She looked over and scowled at me. Turns out I’d said it out loud. After that, I tried not to think. Wasn’t too difficult.

Anyway, all of this nonsense has put me and Andy massively behind schedule. So we’re not taking Dab and Tench or ourselves to the Edinburgh Fringe this year. However we’ll be doing some other live dates, so keep your eyes on the website and for those of you who like toot, there’s a little Dab and Tench book coming out in November.


Behind the Times
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