Anger
Here is a long list of things that piss me off. If you have any additions of your own, pop them in the comments.
1) Any music in an advert which involves a solo acoustic guitar, ukulele or banjo and a young person singing about anything.
2) The turd in the BT adverts, who treats the women in his life like dirt and refers to his broadband router as ‘that bad boy’.
3) Dropping the definite article from signs, titles or announcements. There’s a pre-recorded Tannoy message at my local bus station which says “pedestrians must not walk upon bus carriageway.” The people who wrote that announcement should be disembowelled.
4) People who declare themselves to be film, comedy or TV critics but know nothing about those subjects.
5) People who overthink TV shows. It’s just a TV show! Just sit back and enjoy it, you joyless bastards.
6) Pubs who complain if you’re taking up a table drinking but not buying food. What the fuck is the matter with that? Pubs are not only for adults but for drinking. You are not a restaurant. you are a pub. Also, your food is not gourmet! It is stinking curly fries on a beef and ale anus in a pool of vomit.
7) Facebook games. Stop sending me invitations to the damned things! My finger is bleeding from blocking.
8) Anyone who tries to ‘manage my expectations’. They’re my expectations and you can’t manage them, you idiotic bum-wad.
9) The coalition.
10) Apple TV adverts. The VO guy sounds like the most smug, child sucking bastard in the world. I know that’s not his fault, but the ‘creative’ who forced him into the booth at money point. However, he should to be burned at the stake.
11) Parents in pubs who complain about my swearing. Fuck you! pubs are for adults, take your kids to the Bernie Bouncy Fun Barn around the corner.
12) Pubs who don’t admit dogs because they ‘serve food’. There is no law or regulation preventing dogs from being in a pub which serves food. In fact I’ve been to several pubs and restaurants that are quite happy to let your fury chum curl up under the table while you munch away.
13) People who say ‘yourself’ because they think ‘you’ is impolite. This is most often heard during a conversation with a telephone helpline.
14) Telephone helplines.
15) Me and this petulant blog entry.
Oh, I’d better lie down.
1) Websites that send me instructions on how to reset my password. Don’t do that, just tell me what it is and I’ll have another go. I don’t want/need to come up with another one.
2) Sites that won’t let me use a password that I’ve used in the past – I only have one brain, I can’t remember that many. Have a little heart you computerised git.
3) People that fail to apologise when they walk in to me/look at me as if it were my fault – I know I apologised, I’m British, it’s what we do. It’s called politeness, try taking a break from watching down-market television to look it up some time.
4) Anyone that does something moronic and then gets upset when I yell at them. Just admit you’re wrong and go away, don’t yell back at me, you’re not going to win. I can still think clearly no matter how angry I am, whereas you’re unable to think clearly at any time.
5) People that fail to laugh at my jokes when I’m yelling at them – I’m adding jokes because my sense of humour doesn’t have an off switch (and I’m clearly cleverer than you, or else you wouldn’t have done that moronic thing that triggered the yelling)…
6) Anyone that fails to laugh at my jokes at other points – you’ve clearly misunderstood, go over there and think about it for a while. We’ll be waiting here til you return.
7) Anybody that fails to laugh when I trip, stumble, fall or clown – I’m not jumping up and down in this pothole for my own benefit…
8) Anyone that thinks I’m arrogant – I’m not arrogant, I’m simply better than you.
9) Jesus
10) Anyone that thinks it’s ok to join in or add their own jokes after my punchlines, anywhere, ever – it’s not a fucking conversation. Just laugh and wait for me to leave a gap. And don’t laugh louder at your own jokes. This does not, in any way, make them funnier. It just makes me hate you more…
I should stop ranting and maybe go seek therapy.