Footballery

January 28, 2013February 15, 2015 Martin Wolfenden

Do you hate football but find yourself in a pub where violent men are watching football? Then you need something to shout at the television.

Here are some things to shout at the television:

Arsenal! Death knell, more like.
Do the kick!
Touch him!
He’s got fresh legs!
Rustle it!
Smell it!
Burst it!
That was definitely off!
Dance it in!
That was so chewy!
Manchester United! Death knell, more like.
Cruel him!
Pump it! Pump it!
His legs are stale!
Nice one referee!
Pull him off!
It needs a horse!
Thump it out!
He has an invisible staircase!
Who’s the bandstand in the dark!
Crackly!
That was out of chips!
His legs are mouldy!
Red carp!
Push it into the other man!

Thank you.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

2 thoughts on “Footballery”

JGONeill

January 28, 2013 at 2:35 pm
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Thank God! At last I have something to replace, “Work that grassy catwalk like RuPaul on crystal meth, GIrl!”
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Andy Wilson

January 29, 2013 at 7:25 pm
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I find that shouting the words to the hokey-cokey, one line every couple of minutes, works a treat too.
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Martin Wolfenden

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2 thoughts on “Footballery”

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