The world of the homosexual about town is full of irritating moments.

Firstly there are the people who say the word homosexual incorrectly.

The correct pronunciation is hom-oh-sexual not ho-mo-sexual. You see hom-oh means ‘the same’ and ho-mo means ‘man’. It’s a subtle difference but I am sure that homosexual women would concur that it is an important one.

The second annoyance is that people assume certain things. Let me get this off my chest: I can’t dance. Well I can do Dad dancing and what I like to call ‘mad’ dancing. This is dancing done purely for comedy effect and has no rules. It can only be performed on an empty or almost empty dance floor to avoid injuring other people and the performer most have consumed at least the weight of their head in alcohol. I can take or leave the music of Abba. I don’t dislike it, but then again wouldn’t cross a busy street to shake the hand of Bjorn, Benny, Dave, Dee, Dosey, Midge and Titch. But that is mainly because I once saw ten seconds of Mamma Mia and wretched myself inside out.

People also assume that I will be a fan of musical theatre. I own two musical DVDs which are: The Producers and Jerry Springer: The Opera which itself isn’t a musical but a funny and satirical opera. So technically I only have one musical DVD. I do have a Derek Jarman film and a copy of the terrific Beautiful Thing which was written by the incomparable and prolific Jonathan Harvey.

Also I don’t possess any pornigtrophy. I have a vivid imagination which serves me in many areas of life, including that one.

And finally here is the irritant beyond irritants. Just because I am not effeminate I do not hate other gay people. It certainly doesn’t mean that I’m ‘straight acting’ whatever that means. I’m not acting at all, this is simply how I am. In the same way that Quentin Crisp was the way he was or Stephen Fry is the way he is. In fact I am probably closer to Mr Fry in the way I behave on a daily basis.

Somebody one compared me to the Jew hating Jew in this respect. This is totally unfair as I have never hated another gay person, nor have I hated a straight or slightly kinky person. I must confess that I find loud people annoying and people who shriek at the least provocation. But that’s because I’m prematurely middle aged and just want to be left alone to have a quiet chat with my chums.

The most you could say about me is that I’m ‘none scene’ which tends to mean anybody who doesn’t hang out in gay clubs or gay bars. It has been many a year since I did so; I find the experience rather unfulfilling.
There are people far better looking and muscular than me, all hopping around a dance floor, from which I feel utterly excluded (see previous comments about dancing).

Also I’m quite prudish – yes I know this doesn’t tally with the lascivious creature seen on stage and in the podcast, but that is just a
character- so the meat market leaves me feeling somewhat baffled and embarrassed. A friend of mine once invited me to a club where chaps do each other while other people look on. The very idea sent me into a tail spin and I felt somewhat soiled just from hearing about it.

My world is one of The Chap magazine, real ales and good company. Not of MDMA, poppers and casual trouser fumblings. Some would say that I’m not living, but at least I’m happy. Could those people sleeping with a different person every night and smacking themselves with drugs really say the same. I get the best of both worlds, the joy of a peaceful and contented existence and the fun of being a sweary buffoon in my other work. Try it, it is good.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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