Discarded Gingham Pants

Today while walking to the shop I noticed among some bushes a pristine pair of gingham underpants.

Now this isn’t an unusual thing. Quite often while passing shrubbery at the side of major thoroughfares I’ve seen discarded clothing which often looks clean if bedraggled by the wind and rain. This got me thinking. What is the story behind these misplaced items of garb?

Let’s concentrate on the gingham underpants. How did they make their way from their owner’s nethers to be wrapped around a bush at the side of a road?

No1. The Blow In

The most logical explanation is that it was simply blown from a washing line in the recent high winds. Ha! I say to you. You see the road in question was far away from the nearest dwelling or conurbation. The only way they could have blown to the bush, would be if they had possessed the gliding power of; well a glider. So we can discount this theory and move on to our next avenue of investigation.

No2. The Quickie

Now the road in question is in a town, and that town has many night clubs and public houses. Such a proliferation of drinking establishment can lead to lewd and often sexual behaviour seeping out onto the streets and into bushes. Let us assume then, that this collection of brackens had been used to conceal such an act of rude bum wobbling. Firstly these were gingham boxer shorts which are not really the pulling pant of choice for any right minded human male. The boxer brief is usually chosen on these occasions as they are supportive and display the wares more effectively than a boxer short and are less 70s than briefs.

Secondly the act of impromptu coitus rarely involves the removal of ones shoes and trousering. It is usually an obstacle course of various textiles and not a careful act of lovin’. So unless the pants were torn off by a cock hungry strumpet or strump, it is unlikely that this would be the cause of their current bush dwelling predicament. OSome Pants Under a Bushn closer inspection it can be seen that the shorts are free from rips or other damage. Let us then move with scary legs to our next theory.

No.3 The Mentaloon

Every town has at least one of these. They are the leftovers from the Thatcherite government’s plans to make lovely Victorian asylums fall down. This was because most of the cabinet of the time had been sent to such places as children to cure their bigotry and self delusion. However these institutions failed and became targets for their former patient’s wrath. As a result they were closed down and the poor inmates were cast onto the street to fend for themselves with little or no supervision.

It is therefore likely that one of these forgotten souls has a pathology which leads them to leave undergarments in bushes. This seems reasonable until you consider that this is going on all over the world. Do all these places have a mentally ill person with the same condition? If so why has this not been recognised as a common mental illness? Surely there should be posters up in GP surgeries and warnings printed on new pants. Why aren’t the green areas around parliament littered with the pants of Tory MPs?

Unless answers to these and other questions are forthcoming then this theory cannot be supported.

No.4 Ghosts

Over the centuries there have been many sightings of ghosts, many of which can move objects around with their whispy brains. This often leads to people’s hair standing on end and their running about in a frightened manner. However this behaviour is unnecessary. Ghosts are regulated by the Dead Person Act 1957 and OFGHO. If they attempt to harm the living, they are captured and incarcerated in an old bra which formally contained Queen Victoria’s royal bazongas.

Now it is a well known fact that when you die you come back as a ghost. However it is less well known that when you become a ghost you have to wear the smaller ghosts of the clothing you died in. This can cause problems if you died nude. It means you have to wander the earth tackle out. Such spirits are known as ‘skins’ and can often be seen by psychics dodging behind potted plants and pillar boxes. I believe it is one of these which are the cause of our pant relocation.

You see such spirits become obsessed with clothing. They often steal clothing from shops and offices before draining Mentaloons of their energies so that they can solidify their forms. Then they slip the garments on and walk around saying things like “Oo look at me I’m a nob, I’m the King of Spain.” Before all the stolen Mentaloon energy is depleted and the garments drop to the floor and are discarded.

This my friend is the reason for the gingham underpants being where they are. I rest my case.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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