This morning I opened my front door and was shocked to see my shower water cascading down the lane. This confused me, as my water usually goes away through a series of clever tubes. However on this occasion it had chosen to go on holiday down the hill. It was probably heading to the pub at the bottom of the street. I know if I was going on holiday I’d head to a pub – and it would be ludicrous for somebody to accuse me of being bonkers mad, just because I think that water goes on holiday. Loooodicrous!

So why was my water going on holiday? Well on closer inspection I noted that the tube which makes the water disappear had been stolen. Yes you saw it right, don’t go adjusting your eye trumpets. Stolen!

Now I have a good idea who did the deed and I’m following a line of enquiry, which may lead me to the villain. It is a dangerous business and I may die in the attempt but I feel that truth is more important than my own life.  Granted such principles go out of the window once I get onto a stage or into podcast. At such times I’ll tell you anything. In fact you should even doubt whether I’m there at all. I may be a mirage conjured up by rubbing some sand together in a tub of Deep Heat. All I’m saying is, I’ll keep you posted.

Besides that the day went well. The sun shone and bears frotted in the field , bunnies went to strip jars and sheep made themselves into chops. OK I don’t know much about nature, stop hassling me, I know about other things; more important things. For instance I know how to bring the dead back to life. Yep! I can imagine that you are stunned by that news, so watch it, that’s all I’m saying.

“Why? What are going to do? Bring me back to life.”

“No, not exactly, but I will scowl at you.”

“Is that the best you can do?”

“Er yes.”

“But you can bring the dead to life.”

“No, I made that up, have you learned nothing fool! Awahahahahahah!”

Sausages ho!

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

One thought on “Gush

  • Maybe the tubes went on holiday too? They make be back in a week with a tan.


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