Oh My Beard and Whiskers!

So my trade mark beard has gone and we shall see its like again.

This morning I was rushing around like a loon as I’d overslept.. For some reason, even though I was rushing around I decided that my beard needed a trim. So in the traditional way I retrieved my electric clippers from their plastic box and tackled the errant whiskers. Sadly I failed to register that I’d not adjusted the length of the cutting blades correctly so on my first sweep  I removed half of the beard. 

This is where things got tricky. I tried to even up the beard by doing the same to the other side but now it resembled nothing more than a funny shaped piece of designer stubble and I didn’t want to be known as a man who has designer whiskers, no way would I want that. Even with the moustache left intact is still looked like a fashion statement so I shaved it off completely. So then I was left with the tache. Now I don’t object to yer tache as it is a perfectly acceptable piece of facial hair but I don’t like to separate beard and tache, it seems cruel, so I mowed it down like so much wheat. 

Now let me confess something: I have a tiny mouth; in fact when it is closed it looks like and extra eye. People jump when I speak as they think that I’m speaking from behind a three eyed man. I am a freak of nature, I am a man with a mouth only slightly larger than an inch wide and this is not good. It functions perfectly well as a mouth: I can eat and drink through it and can commit acts of physical degradation with it, just like anybody else – especially the Pope.  So being the owner of this orifice is in no way detrimental to my quality of life. 

But I still feel the need to disguise this titchy slit and that’s how the beard and moustache combo works. Those simple collections of hair appear to extend my mouth another half an inch. This means that I can leave the house, confident in the knowledge that I can talk without looking like triple eyed mutant.

Doing an omelette for tea as I’m pooped.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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