The End of Holidays


My Holiday is over and I have to look at getting some work done. This means that I can no longer spend the entire day chattering on Twitter or watching endless Blue-Rays (it is the proper spelling) and DVDs while glugging tea and contemplating self abuse. No, the holiday is quite literally over.

Of course many people actually leave the country for their holidays. They zoom away on aeroplanes or cruise around the world on floating Holiday Inns, complaining about the food and contracting Ecoli as they watch low quality cabaret entertainment and applaud mediocrity with their fat greasy palms. Not that I dislike such people, OK I do dislike them. They are the worst kind of golf playing, detached five bedroom house in a new housing estate owning, jag driving cunterers.

However I’m a stay at home sort of chap. Frankly because leaving the country is beyond my means and if it’s choice between eating or travelling by Easyjet to an overcrowded and hot British suburb in Greece or Spain, I’ll take eating every time. It puzzles me how people can afford to have holidays, how do they do it? Do they sell a kidney or simply put it all on their credit cards and pay for it on the never never? It is a strange and mysterious world.

Then again I didn’t stay at home for my entire holiday. As is obvious by my previous blog entries, I spent at least part of it in Edinburgh and I loved every minute. It was great to be up there again as a non performer but it is far more exhausting. There’s a compulsion for the punter to fill their day with shows and this can become wearing. If you see too many shows you eventually   hit a kind of comedy wall and stop laughing. It’s very strange when it happens because you are hearing funny stuff and you know you should be laughing but you stay completely silent. This isn’t great for the performer of course. Frankly no comedian ever left a gig thinking ‘that was a great gig, they didn’t laugh but I bet they were laughing on the inside.’  No they just feel like shit and get drunk.

However next year I’ll be taking a show up for a couple of weeks. When I say ‘I’ll’ I should be saying ‘we’ll’ as it will be Tom, Andy and Me. Exactly what shape the show will take is to be decided but we’ll probably trade on The Gentleman’s Review name and do some sketch stuff. It’s far too early for what’s and wherefores and we probably won’t even think about it until the New Year but it will be good to perform up there again. Last year I did a couple of stand-up gigs which were great fun; even though one of them finished up lasting twice as long because the act following me didn’t turn up and I ended up improvising an entirely new set based on the now late Jade Goodie’s autobiography, which I spotted poking out of a ladies bag.

So yes, I did have some time away but the rest was spent as I have described. Now please excuse me, I have sausages to cook.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

One thought on “The End of Holidays

  • “no longer spend the entire day chattering on Twitter” — I may not recover from this news.

    I agree – going through the stress of modern air travel only to end up with thousands of other Brits somewhere unbearably hot is not my idea of fun.

    I hope your sausage is nicely browned.


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