The question I wish to ask is: beard or no beard? For the last couple of years I’ve had a beard. The reason I grew it was to distinguish my ordinary looking face from everybody else’s ordinary looking face. This seemed to work as far as people now recognise my beard when I walk into a room. However I want to be more than a beard with a man attached. Don’t get me wrong here; I don’t mind a beard on other people. Other people’s beards always look manly and rugged, whereas mine always looks trampy and druggy, even though I massage methadone and terps into it every morning. The danger of beards was brought home to me in Edinburgh when I read this blog entry from the estimable Andrew Collins. As usual it was a thoughtful and well written blog but one part of it sent Big Ben sized alarm bells donging in my brain- I quote:

I finally succumbed at 11pm to Michael’s constant demands and met he and Jim and the beardy two thirds of the Gentlemen’s Review in Brookes Bar.

It is not the fact that he referred to us as  “the beardy two thirds,”  but that he was able to.  If I didn’t have a beard he might have put my name in the blog. Then again, he may have written “the two blokes from The Gentleman’s Review.” Whichever way, the beard upstaged me. Now I don’t blame Andrew, he only met me and Andy for about ten minutes and we were both fully drunk.  In fact I made a massive tit of myself because I was genuinely excited to meet him. I met somebody else later that evening and was equally overawed; however I at least managed to keep control of myself (I think). So, yes, beards.   As I can’t decide whether keep or reject my beard I will place its fate in your hands.  Below are two photographs of my fizzog. One was taken today and one on my Birthday in 2009, when I had a brief ‘beard holiday’. Which should be my future facial format? VOTE NOW!



Voting has now closed.

Hahahahahaha! I said “facial.”

STOP PRESS: I’ve just heard that Mongrels has got a second series, so tomorrow’s blog will be about why I love that particular show.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

2 thoughts on “Beardings

  • Andrew Collins

    Keep it. The only reason I described you as the “beardy two thirds” is because I couldn’t at that moment, when writing the blog, remember Andy’s name, so it seemed less rude to put what I put, and not “Martin and the other beardy man from Gentlemen’s Review.” I could remember your name. So it’s Andy who should shave his off, clearly, by that logic.

  • Where’s the option for “It doesn’t matter what you do with the beard, just get a bloody haircut, you fop!”?
    Either that or grow the cheek bits and a very narrow goatee so you’ve got exactly the opposite facial hair to me.


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