Royal Who?

At 11am this morning, a sudden realisation struck me. It was so obvious when I came to think of it. After all, people had been talking about her for a year but I had and have no idea what Kate Middleton looks like. Is she fat, thin, tall, short, Asian, Afro-Caribbean or just boringly Caucasian? I just don’t know and happily I don’t care.

In fact this lack of caring makes me incredibly happy, because it means that my attempt to unshackle myself from the majority of ‘news media’ has succeeded.

For those of you who don’t know me; allow me explain. A couple of years ago I stopped watching television news because it had become utterly preposterous. It had turned it’s back on the tradition way of imparting news, in a balanced objective way, to treating news like an extension of light entertainment. Not only that but they seemed to be constantly asking for the public’s opinion on news stories, which is a fundamentally stupid thing to do because a large percentage of the British public are fucking idiots and it is they who submit their “I hear that the MMR vaccine causes autism” opinions, while the rest of us vomit into a bucket.

So instead I turned to the broadsheets for my news. Until one horrible day when I opened the Guardian, found an article about Katie Price and her idiot spouses and vowed never to read another newspaper.

Now I get my news from the Today program on Radio 4 and the BBC’s website which I mostly access on my phone when I’m out. The pictures on their mobile site are so tiny, that even if they put a portrait of Kate Middleton on their front page, it would look like a blurry smudge on the screen of my iPhone. In fact I may have buffed her face off with my shirt. Let me just check…nope, no mouths. Phew!

To celebrate my ignorance, I’ve bought a souvenir royal wedding mug (pictured right), which I will use every day until it breaks over Nicholas Witchell’s simpering face.


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Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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