Wizzzzzzz! Did you hear that? It was 2013.
Yep, as a middle aged human that’s what I hear as my life ebbs away. One minute you’re shouting HAPPY NEW YEAR and the next you’re wishing people a Merry Christmas again. Apparently if you reach 100 years old, time folds back on itself and you begin to smell your childhood.
Here’s my review of the year.
Apart from ten days of solid snow, January saw the surprise introduction of the UK Hair Act, which legally forced undertakers to fit hair extensions to corpses. This was a knee-jerk response to the threatened closure of the Consolidated British Hair factory in Sunderland and the loss of a million jobs. However the act was repealed in October following the scandal of Margaret Thatcher’s death quiff.
More bloody snow but not as much as in February. Also there was a brief alien invasion when a small detachment of Tonsarian troops attempted to take over a Detroit Burger King armed only with a baguette. The U.S military responded by dropping a nuclear device on the city, killing ten people and a rat.
Spring arrived and bunnies and lambs danced around in the warm sun. Ha! Not really, it snowed like a bitch.
April saw the great thaw and the film event of the year, when Peter Jackson released his ten hour version of The Hungry Caterpillar. However it was soon withdrawn from cinemas after complaints from parents regarding a graphic scene in which the caterpillar covers itself in butter and slips in and out of Andy Serkis’ digital anus.
The Queen finally removed the old car from her front garden, after the local council threatened her with eviction. Prince Charles was said to be “disappointed,” as he was planning to do it up with a full body kit and neon lights. The Queen was unpleasant for comment.
June was British Fascinator Month, where everybody from the local dustman to the Lord High Emperor donned tiny hats for a laugh. Executions of people refusing to wear tiny hats were down ten thousand on the 2012 event, which gave the Prime Minister a boner wearing a little trilby.
Britain ran out of tea for part of July causing most of the public to revert to a feral state. Coffee drinkers who were initially unaffected by the shortage were eventually eaten by ‘Tea Gangs’ and their Apple devices burned as an offering to Earl Grey. At the height of the crisis, over three thousand Hipsters were crucified or had their smug expressions removed with hammers.
UK hibernation month.
September saw the first night of the last night of The Proms and the last day of the first night of the plums. It also featured the arrest and kissing of well-known serial killer Frank Gutsforgarters and his subsequent top ten hit ‘Chewin’ Your Skin’.
France reverted to the 12th Century for two weeks in October, resulting in the construction of fifteen new cathedrals. President Hollande apologised to the UN and explained that he’d accidentally pressed the reset button on his time wand. The country was later restored to the 27th March 1998, which was the last time anybody remembered to back it up.
Long running sci-fi series Crime Traveller celebrated its 16th anniversary with a spectacular ice show and buffet, The Daily Mail gave itself cancer and Paris Hilton opened her vagina as a hotel.
The weather went mental in December and started pissing kittens on Wales.
That’s my review of the year. It only remains for me to wish you a happy new year. Happy New Year.
Also we’ve stuck a few podcast outtakes up at www.brainjam.co.uk for your orgasmic delight.
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