Everyone’s a Critic

If you are a regular user of that ultimate time waster called ‘social media’,  then you’ll know that everybody has an opinion. It is impossible not to open the Twitter client on your portable telephone device shouting machine without receiving an eyeful of tweets about what you should think on every subject from aardvarks to zebras and in this no man’s land of preachery one can find that they have trodden on a landmine of displeasure. Yesterday I wished my followers a good morning.

 “Good morning! What about those of us who are vampires? You insensitive cunt!!!!”

Without a doubt  the best thing on Twitter is the block button. It is the preserver of sanity and protector of those special people who are unable to distinguish between a joke and an attack on their sensibilities. It is my sworn duty as an arsehole to block people who take offence at my tweets.  I would rather lose a follower than be responsible for an angry person self-harming  because I quite like an episode of Sherlock.

 “It was shit! How can you say you like it? HOW?”

Over the years I’ve been berated many times by internet idiots for enjoying films and TV shows that other people think are rubbish. It happened recently when I went to see Man of Steel, which is the latest film to reboot the Superman franchise. For many weeks people shouted in my eyes. They wanted me not to see it because they thought it was ‘boring’. However I dragged my corpulent frame to my local flick-book and found the film rather enjoyable. This is possibly because I have a very high boredom threshold but mainly because I do not feel the need to deconstruct every piece of entertainment I view or listen to.

Some people are unable to sit down in front of a film or television show and just enjoy it. They are constantly looking for things like ‘character development’ and ‘plot holes’ or whether the motivation of the lead character is consistent.  This is no way to watch the disposable pleasures of a blockbuster film or popular television show. If you are one of those people, ask yourself one question: “am I paid by a professional organisation to be a film or television critic?”  If the answer is ‘no’ then pull your head out of your arse and enjoy the explosions. The joy of not being a critic is being able to go to the cinema with an open mind and not be too bothered if the dialogue is bad or the plot doesn’t make sense. Just enjoy your popcorn and If the film is really bad then be entertained by its awfulness.

 “I walked out of the cinema, it was that bad.”

Let me tell you something, I’ve never walked out of a film. That would be insane! I’ve paid £8 for a ticket, EIGHT QUID! I could eat for two days for eight quid, so I’m not going to walk out of a film without watching every second of it. If you’re an eccentric millionaire you can probably afford to walk out of every film you go to see but if, like me, you’re a public sector worker and can only afford one visit to cinema every month, you’ll stay and get your monies worth.

If there’s one thing I’m trying to say in this blog, it’s lighten up and stop approaching every trip to the cinema or television broadcast like a press screening. Unless you’re being paid, you are not a critic and nobody is really interested in your opinion. Granted, A Good Day to Die Hard was an abomination. Where was the third act?


Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.