My Exercise Regime

I begin my day by falling out of bed while squashing on my glutes with springs. Then I shower on a treadmill, kiss a bowl of porridge on a pretend bicycle and leap onto a bus just as it is pulling away from the curb to wake up my reflexes.

During the day I remain active by kick-boxing a bag on a stick. Not only does this ensure that I keep my upper blartus and flunk toned but It almost destroys the curses of bingo genitals. When my daily business is over I swim to the supermarket and buy waters and a lettuce leaf. It is important to eat while you’re training or your muscles end.

Then I begin the twelve mile run home. Some people laugh and say crazy things like, ” you only live half a mile from work! ” However they are the crazy people saying crazy things and I tell them that living near work is no excuse for scrimping on road work.

Sometimes while I’m running I see Jesus.

After a few hours I reach my garden gate and the gimp fires tennis balls at me with a catapult. I am only allowed into the house when I’ve slapped all the balls into a tiny basketball hoop held by a bee. This can take all night and sometimes I am taken to hospital.

When I get into the house the gimp bounces around on the inflated skins of potatoes while I kick the news.

That’s my work-out! For more information buy my fictional information book from all good photographs of shops.


Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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