The Tall Man


“Look, just get on with it,” said the tall, well dressed man.

“I’m fed up of pieces of shit like you holding up my entire day with stupid questions.”

It was at this point while waiting in the queue at my local Sainsbury’s, that I crossed that thin line, between irritation and anger.

“You really shouldn’t speak to the lady like that,” I said pointing at the nice woman sitting at the till. She reddened a little, probably with embarrassment but mostly with
fear as I was now only an inch away from the man’s face, staring straight into his eyes. However this didn’t seem to faze him and he just stood smiling at me.

“You really are an utter cunt,” said I eloquently.

He smiled.

I pulled his card out of the credit card reader and threw it towards the door.

He smiled, walked away, picked up his card and without saying a word, put it back in the machine, entered his PIN , picked up his bags and walked out of the supermarket.

I felt like a moron.

This all happened three months ago but I didn’t write about it in my blog as I was concerned about appearing to copy the style of superior blogger and comedian Michael Legge. So I chucked it on the pyre of unwritten blogs and tried to forget about it.

However today I went to see my GP about a hernia. My usual doctor was skiing so I had to see a locum who was a tall well dressed man.

So I dropped by pants and he had a prod and a squeaze, before concluding that I would require surgery and advising me not to exert myself. On my way out he called after me, “and that includes throwing credit cards around.”

My life is a rubbish BBC Three sitcom.

Tomorrow we are recording episode 46 of The Gentleman’s Review podcast. However Andy can’t make it, so Tom and me will be experimenting by doing the whole thing drunk. Now I don’t mean a bit tipsy, I mean really drunk.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds, even for those of us who’ve been drinking buddies for sixteen years. It will be the first time we’ve had to sit and get plastered in a fixed timeframe. We’ll start drinking an hour before the podcast and must be mashed by the time I press the record button. Don’t try this at home.

This isn’t the first drunken podcast we’ve done though. When we first began, we would down three bottle of Bollinger during a recording – I was quite rich for a bit – but we’ve never tried doing one completely smashed, so wish us luck

Spag Bol for tea.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

One thought on “The Tall Man

  • Hallo there, Martin …

    It cannot be all bad for someone to remember your face from an altercation three months before while squeezing and proddinging you somewhere below the waist. Multi-tasking, really. As Oscar might well say in 2010, there’s no such thing as a bad first impression. Wonderful story though. Would I let the tall man do the hernia operation? Perhaps not if it involves paying by credit card.

    I’ve just had a larf (or many) listening to GR46. I’d guess that the exploding tits question should take into account whether they are real or Jordan’s. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere around if someone were to leap off a wardrobe onto her lumpy bumpers.

    Well done on 65 minutes of hilarity … and not slurring your speech while you were at it.

    Your anti-spam word is an actual word, being what you’d have to drain after all that drinking. Do you choose these words?

    My best to you all at Crusty Corners!



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.