Prohibition Still Enforced


So I’ve gone two weeks without a drink.

This is not the statement of an alcoholic but I do like a drink. There was a time when I would happily drink a bottle of vodka on a Friday night: they were good times and I was in my twenties. However I realised that it wasn’t doing me any good. When you have more evenings ending with an argument than a laugh, then it is time to cut back.  However I’ve managed to avoid becoming an alcoholic and I’m glad because if you become addicted to booze then the only way to go is death or A.A; either way you’re not drinking again.

A few years ago I found myself chatting to an American chum who was convinced that he had a drink problem, so I asked him how much he drank. He said “I’ve been drinking two bottles of wine on a Friday and Saturday night and sometimes a bottle during the week.” Now I would love to say that I firmly squeezed his shoulder and empathised with his predicament; however it was all I could do not to laugh out loud. I’m sorry but a couple of bottles do not an alcoholic make.

After composing myself, I pointed out that he has not only adopted Britain as his home but the drinking culture along with it. However when he moved to this country he brought all the baggage of small town America with him and can’t seem to separate drinking and moral turpitude in the deepest recesses of his mind. This is a real pity as getting plastered is one of few legal pleasures one can still enjoy.

We have a long history of boozing in Britain, mainly because we are located in the Northern hemisphere and need to keep ourselves warm.  The amusing thing is, that we all accuse our neighbours of being drunks while failing to acknowledge our own boozy tendencies. The French and Germans think that the English are alcoholics and we accuse them of the same. It is engrained in an Englishman’s brain that the Irish and Scots are permanently plastered and will happily discuss this at length while downing our fifteenth pint and attempting to seduce the nearest half attractive person.

Anyway I have one more week of abstinence to endure. However I have been feeling much perkier of late. In fact during this week’s podcast I launched into a short improvised rant in the guise of an patriotic American. However this completely threw Tom and Andy and I had to cut out the thirty second silence which greeted it.  Oh well.

Right! I’m off to drool over a Threshers catalogue, roll on Saturday.

Spag-bol for tea.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

One thought on “Prohibition Still Enforced

  • I thought the bemused silence was quite funny 🙂


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