liver and pancreas

The last six days have been very odd and I’d like to never experience their kind of oddness again. On Wednesday night I was whisked into hospital and a lady put her finger up my bottom. Then a man sucked blood out of my arm before sending me home full of drugs. It was like a night out at an M & S club, which is something I’ve never seen the point of. I’m quite capable of getting my kicks from boring old sexual intercourse, so really can’t understand why some people need to be punched in the bell end by a woman (or man) dressed as a supermarket haggis to achieve something like an orgasm.

En-e-way, I digress.

Two days later I had to return to the hospital where I was greeted by a stern looking Doctor who ushered me into a small office.

“Well we’ve had you blood test results back and it’s bad news I’m afraid.”

I gripped my chair arms and prepare for the worst.

“Looking at the enzyme levels in your blood it seems that you have damaged your liver, now there’s no easy way of saying this but I have to ask, do you have a drinking problem?”

“Well I don’t know, I don’t touch a drop during the week but I do have a bottle of wine on both Friday and Saturday nights.”

He looked unbelievingly at me.

“Oh and last Saturday I did drink half a bottle of sherry, 3 gin Martinis and two hefty gin and tonics in an hour then continued to drink for a further nine hours.”

He gripped the arm of his chair.

“Well that would explain that then. You can’t go on doing that, in fact you really shouldn’t drink again for at least six months and even then you won’t be able to drink much.”

My forebrain went numb; it was like somebody had told me that I had to live on raw cabbage for sixth months. The doctor could see my anxiety and asked me if I wanted a drink. Stupid question, then he said “we’ll take some more blood today and make an appointment in a couple of days for you to come back and have check up.”

So I loped out feeling dejected, caught the bus into town and bought myself a present.

So I now have a new phone and I love it, for those of you interested it is a Toshiba TG01 and does everything the iPhone does and much much more.  This surprised me as I had only bought it to see me through until May when I can upgrade to an iPhone. However I don’t think I want an iPhone now, this phone has a bigger screen, more processor power and does more.  The reviewers hate it though, which make me like it even more. Reviewers are cunts.

So now I have a quandary, do I get an iPhone in May or do I stick with the better phone? Most people would say “I think I’ll stick with this phone.” But knowing my own stupidity by the beginning of June I’ll be brandishing an iPhone.

So I went back to the hospital and saw the same doctor, who had banished me to the land of tea-totality. He was far jollier than last time, which I thought indicated good news, it did.

“Right then we’ve had the results back and I’m happy and astonished to say that you are fine, your enzyme levels show that your liver is working correctly.”

“So you mean I don’t have to give up drinking for six months?”

“Well, you will for a couple of weeks, we’re going to keep you on the antibiotics for the infection but once this course has finished you can have a drink but don’t go bingeing, your liver can still be damaged and the next time you might not be so lucky.”

So listen out for the plunk of a Merlot cork, a week on Friday.

The faces of sad cows for tea. Moo! *sigh*

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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