What?! The BNP

You may have noticed that I’ve been on holiday. 

Yep one whole week of doing nothing but chillaxing at home. 

However I now find myself suffering from ‘home holiday jet-lag’. This feels very similar to actual jet-lag but unlike actual jet-lag isn’t caused by a travelling between different time zones. It is instead caused by going to bed at 3am and getting up at noon for a whole week.  

At one time this would have been the norm for me; especially when I was a stand-up. But nowadays I have a respectable day job and need to be at the office for 8am. Some of you may be surprised by this. Yes I have a day job as well as my night job writing buffoonery for buffoons. These are lean times my friends and you need to get your brass where you can. 

You may have noticed that in the previous paragraph, I used the word ‘brass’ to denote money. This marks me out among the many people of this planet as a Yorkshireman. Now I’m not going to say too much about that as I’m recording a Brain Fluff on that very subject over this coming weekend. 

However let me say this right now, I am not a racist, my family are not racists nor are my friends, acquaintances or the majority of my neighbours. In fact I am a woolly liberal and love the fact that I can walk down the street where I live and hear many different languages and smell exotic foods cooking.

 So how in the name of Jumping Jehosephat did Yorkshire manage to elect a cunt bubble to the European Parliament? How? I’m utterly appalled, I want to run out into the street of interesting voices and smells, and shout WHYYYYYYYYYYY? It’s just so wrong! This isn’t a county of bigotry, it’s a county of rolling dales and hills with sheep on them and towns full of mills which have been converted into office blocks. It’s the county of good cricket and friendly people. West Yorkshire, where I live, has the largest population of Asian people in the country for heavens sake! We’re not racist! Got it!

 So how did this happen? 

Two reasons: proportional apathy and scum.  

Now as a woolly liberal I shouldn’t use phrases like ‘Scum’ or ‘Chav’. Both these are demotic and so inherently unpalatable to a person who attempts promote equality among all people. However I intend to use both of these words, only because I wish to argue myself out of ever using them again. 

The BNP have tapped into a previously unexploited resource: the underclass. Often lacking even the most basic education they are easily persuaded that foreigners are taking over the country and are being paid thousands in benefits. This is a nonsense as most immigrants work for a living. Those who are not allowed to work because they are in the country illegally get the bare minimum of help which equates to the cost of a few tins of beans and some bread. 

These claims are further reinforced by the right wing press who publish frightening stories about immigrants taking all our air or some such rot and that settles the matter for the Chav or Scum. They see it clearly: immigration is bad and there’s only one way to stop it. For perhaps for the first time in their life they register to vote and head out on polling day to put a cross on that form; it’s a cross of power, it says to the world that enough is enough! No more immigration! No more tolerance! No more political correctness gone mad! It burns in their mind like the crosses of the KKK; it is the cross of hatred and they use it. They take their pencil and make their mark and the great tolerance which marks this country out as civilised is wounded, maybe only a little but it bleeds. 

Of course these people aren’t Chavs or Scumbags they’re just people. The problem is that the other parties aren’t talking to them. They’re talking to people like me and you but completely ignoring those other people, the people who make up quite a hefty proportion of the British population. It’s time for the main parties in this country to start talking. Not to me or you but to the people who are the most isolated. We can call them the underclass if we want but at the end of the day they are a people wholly without representation and are incredibly vulnerable to peddlers of bigotry and hatred.  So come on you MPs it’s time to redeem yourselves get out to those sink estates and start talking. Talk sense and they’ll listen but patronise and lie to them and they’ll reject you and put their cross in the other box.

 However let me turn my angry gaze to the real culprits. You know who you are. As Edward Burke done said “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Your vote counts and if you don’t vote you allow all kinds of evil to slither in between the cracks. Your vote can squeeze those cracks shut, use it for goodness sake. Get off your backside the next time and put your cross on that piece of paper and show that you give a damn and if you don’t give a damn then please fuck off.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. The problem with blogs is they give arseholes like me a pipe to vomit utter cunt-shit down.

Well that was a barrel of laughs, cold roast beef for tea.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

One thought on “What?! The BNP

  • Seconded! Oh dear, we should all go to the pub and have a happy rant about it. Rick’s been delighfully and persistently pissed off for about a week, and is now even more so. How did this happen?


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