Yorkshire Water

Today I received a court summons from Northampton requiring the immediate payment of my water rates. This would have seemed fair enough if I hadn’t already a direct debit with the Yorkshire Water, a direct debit with the company, which as yet has been unsullied by use. 

Of course I complained and I hit the stone wall of idiocy one often finds on a utility ‘helpline’. You tell them that they’ve made a mistake and they tell you that they haven’t and that it’s your fault. You have with malice afore thought set up a Direct Debit in order that they can  take money from your account in settlement of your bill. How dare you! 

Now I understand that the people on these ‘helplines’ are continually bombarded with fibs and excuses but when it is self evident that their company has made a mistake they should at least be apologetic. The person I spoke to yesterday just talked about ‘company policy’ which is a sure fire way to provoke ire in even the most reasonable human being. 

“I’m sorry sir but if you don’t pay the full amount, we will take you to court and you will have a judgement against your name which may prevent you from getting credit in the future.” 

“Well I don’t have the full amount.” 

“You have had every opportunity to make payment Mr Wolfenden, why didn’t you set up a regular payment plan.” 

“I did! I set up a Direct Debit, I’m looking at it on my bank’s website now.” 

“In which case why didn’t you realise that we weren’t taking any money out?” 

“I set up the Direct debit so that I wouldn’t have to monitor every payment.” 

“I’m sorry sir but you will have to pay the amount in full.” 

“I don’t have the full amount.” 

“Well you can fill in the form that came with your court claim form, this allows you arrange a monthly figure.” 

“Excellent! So if I send you this, will that stop you from taking me to court?” 

“No, we will still seek a judgement from the court.” 

“What? Even though I’m paying?” 

“It is company policy to pursue all debts through the courts.” 

“Well you still have my Direct Debit which is ready to use, can’t you take money through that?” 

“I’m afraid it’s against company policy…” 

At that point I slammed down the receiver and called them a bunch of fucking cunty cocksplashes.

Yorkshire Water are evil.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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