Drunk Yay!

OK so WordPress went wrong yesterday and scrambled my entry, just think of it as 100% extra free.

It’s Friday again and as I type this I’m pouring myself a fifth glass of wine and enjoying the happy head feeling that only cheap Chilean Merlot can give you. However it’s not that cheap any more, because other people have cottoned onto its loveliness so they’ve put the price up. Fucking cunts!

So what does a slightly drunk man talk about in a blog?  Well I could talk about the time I climbed Mount Everest or my world record parachute jump, but these would just be lies.  So instead, I’m going to tell you about becoming the king of the universe.

In 1985 I was thirteen years old and very much looking forward to being twenty one, so that I could legally have sex with a man. Back then the world was simple; you did your school work, avoided the scary priests and then went home to play on your Acorn Electron or Spectrum computer. Nothing else happened, until one November day, when a man stopped me on the way to school and asked me if I wanted to see his space ship.

Of course I was a good boy so knew not to speak to strangers, so I went to the nearest phone box, opened the door, wiped the dog shit off my fingers and called the school office. They said it was OK, I could go and see the man’s spaceship and they laughed and laughed. So I told the man I would go with him.

It took half an hour of trudging through woodland before we reached a clearing where a caravan and a rusty Ford Cortina were parked.  The man took a bunch of keys from his pocket and unlocked the caravan door. I remember thinking that it didn’t look much like the spaceships I’d seen on television, but I had seen enough Doctor Who to know that they didn’t always look like the USS Enterprise.  The man seemed to sense my concern (probably by telepathy) and assured me there was nothing to worry about and beckoned me into the caravan and I stepped inside.

The interior of the caravan looked, well, like a caravan. There was a stained bed, a small kitchen with beans and a small chemical lavatory. The whole place smelled of spunk and anger, which seemed to linger in my nostrils for a few seconds before sliding down my throat making me feel sick.

The man sat on the bed and invited me to join him, which I did. Then he pressed a button on a grubby clock radio and something magical happened. The whole caravan transformed around us and I found myself sitting in the co-pilot seat of a spacecraft. I felt a hand on my arm and looked around. The man has transformed into an unmistakably alien but humanoid woman. She explained that I should fasten my safety belt, because she was taking me to the mothership which was in orbit around the planet.  I asked her what her name was and she said it was Raghhlinger but I could call her Pam and she tightened the belt around my crotch area, which made me blush.

With the press of a button we were on our way, zooming vertically through the air and into the darkness of space.  The excitement must have got to me because I was sick all over myself.  Pam  spotted this and after she’d levelled off the spacecraft, she held me gently and told me that it often happens when you’ve not done it before. Then she got me to take all my clothes off,  she would need to wash them before I met a very important person. My mind raced, who could this important person be? Could it be the Doctor?

So now I was naked and staring out of the large cockpit window into space, there was nothing but stars for a moment but as the ship turned back on course,  I saw it, an enormous spaceship. It was as white as any white I’d seen and the size of a city. A buzzer sounded on the control panel and I called for Pam who was now stark naked! I asked her what she was doing and she said that clothes were forbidden on the mother ship and everybody was naked. I protested but she just laid a hand on my shoulder and told me it would be alright and I should relax. Then I felt a pain growing in my bottom area and Pam explained that I was being probed by the ship so they could make sure I would be able to breathe their atmosphere. Then the ship shuddered and Pam said that we had landed on the mother-ship and pressed a button and a door opened.

We stepped out into a huge hanger. In front of us was a whole crowd of naked people and I was taken by the arm and escorted through the throng to a large room. At the end of the room was what looked like a throne and sitting on it was an old man who beckoned me to approach, which I did. When I was close enough he produced a crown and layed it on my head and told me that I was now the King of the Universe he hung a thread around my neck which hurt. He told me that it was the thread of leadership which I should always wear; however I was to return to my life on earth until I was old enough to rule and I should tell nobody, not even my parents.

Then everything went black and I found myself laying the clearing fully clothed. The caravan and car had gone now, probably back to the mothership and for a few minutes I thought I’d dreamed it all, until I felt the pain in my neck. The journey back must have been rough because the thread of leadership had become twisted around my neck, in fact it had drawn blood but I didn’t care because I knew that the ship and what the old man had said was real. I was the king of the universe and one day I would rule it all.

Have a lovely weekend.

This post was brought to you by the ‘Charlie Says’ series of 1970s public information films.

Martin Wolfenden

Back in the early days of this Century, I made some money by saying the odd funny thing in public. On one of these occasions a fellow funny talker told me that I should write a blog (because that was the sort of thing funny talking people did back then.) Now, I’m not the sort of person who does things the easy way, so I rejected all the ready made blogging platforms and started my own website. Since then it’s become a repository for whatever stuff is bubbling out of my brains and a directory of various podcasts and videos that I’ve made with my friends and is completely unnecessary.

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